I am going to review a piece of social etiquette that I would have thought everyone had mastered by now. Sadly, to my utter horror, certain people need a refresher course. It seems the empire waist dress is causing some confusion in this area.
Under no circumstances should you ever ask me, or any other female, if she is pregnant.
Unless I say something like “Hi, I’m pregnant” or I am being wheeled into the delivery room, huffing and puffing, with everyone scurrying around and screaming “The baby is coming!” then, and only then, is it okay to say, “My, are you pregnant?”
It is not okay, just as a for instance, while attending a party to say to a casual acquaintance (me), “Oh Suz, are you pregnant?”
Of course, I respond with a firm, “No,” expecting you to fall to your knees in total humiliation pleading for my forgiveness.
But, instead of doing that, don’t tilt your head and pout your lip and say, “Shut up, you are too.”
And for heaven’s sake, when I say, “Really, I’m not. You’re hurting my feelings.” Don’t look at me skeptically, with hands on hips as if to say, “Oh you, yes you are.”
If that happens I will be forced to show you that the label on my dress says “J.Crew” not “Pea in the Pod.”
In the name in all that is good, don’t then ask me if I just had a baby.
If this transpires I will be left with no other option then to stomp away, get a drink, and proceed to tell every other woman at the party what you had said to me. All of them gasping the same response, “Noooo, which one is she?”
Finally, I have no choice but to write about it here. But of course, I won’t use your name. (But it is the name of Buddy Holly song and it rhymes with “sauna.”)
Now, let’s all say it together, “Under no circumstances should I EVER ask a female if she is pregnant.” Make mental note to yourself, especially me or anyone who has a blog.
Would you like to be featured here and on 
i know that rule. and i knew it many, many years ago when i forgot all that is decent and holy and asked a co-worker (that i BARELY knew) if she was knocked up. the withering look made me want to stab myself in the eyes with that thing they use to break your water when you really ARE pregnant…
Is that the dress you were wearing? It’s a shame that something so adorable would lead to such a horrible conversation.
You should have told Benihana (that’s what you meant, right? ;-)) you were due around the same time she was, and that she had some weird green thing in her teeth that kind of matched the boogie in her nose. It’s okay to be catty when someone has offended you, isn’t it?
Roxanne, where were you the night of the party? You are a riot.
I bet she did it on purpose.
Oh holy terror - I can’t imagine this happening to YOU of all people (hey readers Suz is tiny, and fit. She looks like she never gave birth to her other children either!)………..oh my. Well- here is too sweet sweet blog revenge……..people really should be more careful around bloggers shouldn’t they!
Lisa, See at least you felt remorse. A certain someone didn’t , not even a sorry.
Roxanne, I wish you were there. All I could do was be stunned. It’s like you can always think of comebacks later, driving home.
Marcy, yes, blog revenge is sweet, ‘int it?
Back when my husband and I were dating, we went to a swanky party at my friend’s father-in-law’s house. In front of everyone, the father-in-law asked me if I was pregnant. (Back then I was thin and wasn’t even wearing an empire waist dress.) I was shocked and embarrassed - this coming from a man who was the head of one of the major grocery chains in Southern California. He seemed to be attacking me because he was upset that my friend wasn’t pregnant with his grandchild yet. It didn’t make any sense. Nice guy…..his name rhymes with hay and is a color.
Jen, it sure seemed like it.
That happened to me, too, and back when I was still young and thin. The next day, I threw that dress away which is too bad because it was expensive and I liked it.
Hah! I love this one! This is hilarious because now that I AM expecting people are afraid to ask if I’m pregnant! They just walk up and give a glance at my 22 week old prego belly and say things like, “So… uh…. how’s it been goin’?! What’s… uh… been up with you lately?” To which I respond, “My gym membership expired months ago!”
I TOTALLY AGREE! I Think I’m going to write about 10 better questions to ask if you’re trying to find out if “number three is in there” because I do not like to be asked that question. No, nobody is living in there!!
Oh here’s one: last year, I dressed up as the scariest thing I could imagine: me, nine months pregnant. I pulled out some old maternity jeans and top, stuffed Bear in the Big Blue House under it all, and went to pick my kids up from school. Now keep in mind that one day I wasn’t pregnant, and the next I looked as if I were about to drop. People who have seen me at pickup a hundred times looked hesitant, and a few moms who knew me well sidled up to ask, “What the hell?” One dad, who has this etiquette down, asked, “Oh, are you expecting? I never noticed!” People, Bear stuck out at least eighteen inches past my waist, and I’m very tall. It’s unmistakable. I couldn’t BELIEVE the number of people who were truly confused. When I finally pulled up my shirt to show them Bear, they all came back with, “THANK GOD, WOMAN. STOP ALREADY.”
But I did appreciate that they hesitated at least.
Btw, that was on Halloween. For the record. *cough*
Marla, I never wore the dress again.
Lisa, Good comeback!
Rookie Mom Heather, love your blog–everyone take a look through the link–good idea, let us know when you write them.
Mindy, Thanks for clarifying it was Halloween, though I would still love the story if it was just something you decided to do one day. I think it is better to error on the side of not saying anything, than spewing out a whopper of an insult. Loved your blog, too.