I was a latch-key kid from the time I was 10 years old. I would come home from school and watch TV or read a book until my parents came home about two hours later. But sometimes, the phone would be ringing when I walked through the door.
It was my mom.
“Mija, can you check the mailbox? If there’s a bill from JC Penney, HIDE IT.”
Other times she would ask me to throw suspicious packages in a closet. My mom wasn’t a compulsive shopper and she wasn’t in danger of bankrupting our family; but for some reason, she couldn’t bring herself to be honest with my father about her purchases. So she preferred to hide and lie and obfuscate…and make her 10-year-old daughter an accessory.
Turns out this unfortunate habit has a name: financial infidelity. Lying to your spouse about your spending habits is dangerous, according to the couples therapist interviewed in this Wall Street Journal piece. And often times it is symptomatic of much deeper issues.
The newlywed woman interviewed in the segment is astonishing. She freely admits to shopping at her favorite boutique at least twice a week, asking the salesgirl to cut off the tags and put the item in her purse so she doesn’t come home carrying suspicious shopping bags. She says she lies so much and so often that she can’t keep track of it all.
She also says she shops out of revenge– like the time her husband came home with some pants and shoes for himself, and she went on a huge shopping spree because, she reasoned, “What about me?”
My mother still hides purchases from my father, like the new Coach bag I complimented her on recently. “Oh, it’s not new, I’ve had this for a while,” she claimed, casting a telling sidelong glance at my dad. Oops. I’m guessing that after all these years, it’s tough to break the habit of lying.
I do the exact opposite: I am completely open about everything I buy and confer with my husband before any purchase over $100, even though I am the one who balances our checkbook and pays the bills. I think financial infidelity can lead to distrust and deception, but mostly I refuse to feel like a misbehaving little girl just because I want to buy something. Money has so much power over us already– why grant it even more?
What about you? Have you or your partner ever been guilty of financial infidelity? Any tips on how to deal with money in order to avoid marriage counseling?
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I, uhhh, might be like your mom. I have what you call a “spending problem.” My husband knows about it. I wish I could stop. He gets mad at me. I get mad at myself. It’s a viscous cycle
I wish my best friend WOULD hide things from her tightwad husband. She earns half the money in their house and yet any time she spends anything that her super cheap husband wouldn’t approve of, she suffers over it. I like her husband a lot but please….We went out to dinner on Hollywood on an EXTREMELY RARE Mom’s night out. Believe me, we never get to do this. I had to hire a babysitter since I’m a single mom. She had her hubby at home to watch the kids. We went to this really nice supper club that we stumbled into by accident, and even though we were clearly middleaged old broads, they treated us great. I was in heaven. The total bill came to something like $110 for both of us. My friend was in shock and worrying about telling her husband she spent so much. It kind of ruined the evening. To me, the rare splurge was well worth it for two moms who scrimp and save and work like dogs. So yeah I wish women would just stand up for themselves and their right to spend money. Undoubtedly why I have always been single. I never wanted to be Lucy Ricardo.
In my case, I don’t lie about my spending to my husband, he lets me do with my money what I want, but I do keep it a secret from my mom, sister, etc. They think I overspend and that I buy unnecessary items. But I can’t help myself; I like to shop, especially online… I wouldn’t call it an addiction to spending though. I see it like this: if I have the money and I’m not ignoring bills or going bankrupt, then where is the problem with my spending? My close family doesn’t see it my way though…