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Reason #1,623 that I’m a bad mom
August 26th, 2008, 2:13 pm · 11 Comments · posted by Erika Chavez, Staff Writer
Inadequacy has become a familiar feeling in the 3 years that I’ve been a mom.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m mostly angst-free about my parenting choices. While I sometimes wish I could have stayed home to raise my daughter, I have enjoyed being a working mom. While I wish I could have exclusively breastfed, I was OK with using the occasional bottle of formula. I didn’t stress much about using disposable diapers instead of cloth…you get the idea.
But as my little girl gets older, I find more doubts creeping in. Did I enroll her in the best possible preschool within our reach? Will it impact her academic abilities for the rest of her life? Am I feeding her the healthiest diet possible? Is she socially well-adjusted, or is it normal for kids her age to prefer playing by themselves, even when they are surrounded by other kids?
Just when I think I couldn’t feel any more guilt or doubt, I receive a survey done by HearthSong, a toy company that specializes in creative and imaginative play. According to the survey results, 62 percent of parents spend less than an hour a day playing with their kids.
Count me among them.
To be honest, I have never given much thought to how much time I actually spend playing with my kid. I am more preoccupied with the basics: getting her bathed, dressed, fed, and rested. When I get home after work it’s a mad scramble to get the family fed, and not long after that we are ushering Maya into the bath tub. She gets plenty of play time at school, of course, and we read her at least 3 books a night without fail. But other than doing puzzles or coloring books together, I can’t say I spend a lot of time on the floor with her, scooting her trains or cars around. To be frank, I don’t enjoy that very much, and wasn’t very interested in toys even when I was a kid.
My husband works from home and cares for Maya two days per week, and he has always been more prone to active play, so I don’t feel that she’s lacking. And at least I’m not among the 16 percent of parents who say they spend less than an hour per week playing with their kids.
The survey also found that parents who do play with their kids, over one third (36%) say they most often play with games or toys, another quarter (27%) most often participate in unstructured play and a like number (27%) play outside, in either unstructured or structured activities such as sports.
When asked what they believed was the most important aspect of play in contributing to their child’s development, more than one in four parents (27%) said “learning to interact with others,” while fewer mentioned developing “motor skills” (18%), “problem solving” (17%), “creative thinking” (17%), “imagination” (12%) or a “sense of accomplishment” (9%).
Weekends will usually find us heading to the pool or the park and having more time for active play, whether it’s chasing bubbles or painting. I treasure those times, but I think I will make a conscious effort to spend more time during the week playing with my child. An hour a day seems like a realistic, healthy goal for this working mom.
What about you? How much time do you spend playing with your child in an average day? Do you think it’s important, or overrated? What are your favorite things to do with your child?
Read more about my internal guilt trips:
Fritos: not-so-guilty pleasure
Is the circus unethical, or just entertainment?
Counting my blessings after a car accident
August 26th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I guess I’m in that 62% too… I think it’s very important to find time, but getting the basics done after a full work day, leaves me no extra time. All I have time to do with them on weekdays is read, or braid my daughters hair… not too much one on one, which I know they really need. I also cherish our weekends, when we get to do anything and everything they want… together… The one hr per day, per child, wouldn’t work for me. I have more kids than hrs at the end of the day…
August 26th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I raised my kids back in the 80’s, and like you I worked full time. I always felt the kids didn’t care what we did together, as long as we were together. I would read to them, but I also tried to involve them in many of the daily basics-I had them help with dinner prep, and they loved to bake. I’m not a gourmet cook, and Betty Crocker and Duncan Hines were my two best baking friends, but that didn’t matter to my kids. Some nights I had to force myself to find the energy to bust out the brownie mix, but I it was worth it.
I involved them in my biggest passion-gardening. They grew herbs from seed, grew vegetables in small pots, helped with watering. We planted butterfly and hummingbird-friendly plants so we could watch them enjoy our garden. My kids are now in their 20’s, and we all still share a love of gardening. Involve them in your passion, whatever it is. They’ll learn from you.
And when all else failed and I was too tired to think much less do anything, I made popcorn and we all piled in my bed and we talked or sang or told silly jokes. It didn’t seem to matter what we did as long as we were together. Spending time with your kids can never be over-rated.
August 26th, 2008 at 8:35 pm
As a stay-at-home mom I do spend a lot of time playing with my boys, ages 4 & 5 . However, I find that it’s in smaller increments - 15 minutes here and there throughout the day - a lot of backyard play.
When they were younger, I had a hard time sitting on the floor with them - I would get antsy.
It sounds like Maya is a happy little girl. Don’t feel bad if you can’t play with her for an hour everyday. I think snuggles and books from mom are just as good as playing.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:38 am
I spend ZERO time playing with my kids and, hey, I’m fine with that. Here’s a clue: I don’t LIKE hide and seek, I don’t like playing ball, I don’t like dressing up stuffed animals in doll clothes. I’m 52 years old. I don’t have much hide and seek left in me. My kids DO like all those things. So they do them, not me. If you enjoy doing that, great. If not, don’t worry about it. I do enjoy doing other things with my kids, cooking, baking, watching movies, reading, seeing wildlife, travelling, things I enjoy and I want to share with my children. I am trying to practice mindfulness, meaning really being with my kids and listening to them, instead of listening to them and saying “uh huh” while I’m doing chores and they’re walking behind me trying to talk to me.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:05 am
I agree with some of the others here, it isn’t necessarily “play time” that is important - remember the survey was done by a TOY company - it is the fact that you are doing SOMETHING with your kids. We often don’t “play” with our daughter, but we are constantly interacting with her, involving her in what we are doing. She is 18 months and learning to help mommy by taking the sippy cups out of the dishwasher. She thinks it’s great fun, I find it adorable and helpful when my back is hurting.
My mom was a SAHM and what I cherish is not her playing with us, but teaching us to be good women.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I can sit down and play Legos with my boys for a little bit, but my attention span is about as long as theirs for these things. We take walks. We go to the park and I read a book while they ride their bikes and play. But most of the time, I’m working on the computer - and they hate it. But it’s just a part of life. I work, and they get to see it. Recently when I was busy cleaning the house and I told my baby, “Mommy can’t do that right now, I’m working,” to which my child chirp back, “But where is your computer?”
August 27th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Wow, lots of bad typing in that comment, but Im sure you got the idea…
August 28th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I find that there are SO many things that as moms (and especially working moms) we can feel guilty about. There are a lot of difficult choices out there and we’re constantly comparing ourselves to one another. These stupid surveys don’t help! They’re just another tool to “compare.” “Am I as good of a mother as HER?” UGH! Every mom, child & family is different.
That being said, my mom worked and I remember always wanting her to play with me & she did sometimes, but she was always tired or worked late. So with my own, I really make a conscious effort to get down on the floor and play as much as possible. We play Legos, blocks, Mr. Potato Head, Thomas, color, I chase him around, we read books, we watch movies, we play outside, etc. At the end of the day, I seriously fall into bed. But I have no regrets. And that’s my choice & my sacrifice.
August 29th, 2008 at 7:34 am
I was a working mom for the first 4 years of Emily’s life and the first year of Ben’s. It was the most difficult, challenging thing I have ever done in my life. You always hear people say being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job you will ever have, for me, being a working mom was much harder.
But, even as a stay-at-home mom I don’t “play” as much as spend time with my kids and I could NEVER sit and play dress up dolls for an hour. (What Martha said is right–TOY company. ) Maybe broken up a bit through the day, but NEVER an hour.
Sounds like you are doing just fine. Loving your child is the most important thing you can do, when you do that, everything else falls into place.
Good post!
August 31st, 2008 at 4:39 pm
My kids like to cook, especially my daughter, she can bake and frost an entire cake by herself at age nine, and it’s something i enjoy teaching them. My mom never liked to cook so I had to learn on my own. And it’s a great life skill to have. Makes you very popular
Besides, greatly to my surprise, they love doing all the stuff I consider drudgery, like stirring the batter.
September 6th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
You are not a bad Mom. As a stay at home Mom I feel like a bad Mom. The kids and I run from here to there as I’m saying hurry hurry hurry. I yell at my 10 year old when he is on his 2nd hour of homework and is staring at the kitchen wall.
I think wither we work outside the home or stay at home with our kids we all go through moments like this.
Hang in there you are not alone!!!!