Things are really getting weird out there.
The other day I was talking to my friend who has her kids in public school in Irvine and she mentioned her kids aren’t allowed to run on the pavement at recess. Since my kids go to private school, this was a new concept to me.
So, I asked around. Seems this is standard practice in the public school. When I asked the parents why, they said it was because the school didn’t want the kids to fall and get hurt on the pavement. Some suspected it was for legal reasons.
What? Has it come to this? No running on the playground?
“What about skipping?” I asked my friend.
“Um, frowned upon I think,” she said with a laugh.
But, this is part of a wider trend that worries me. The other day we were out to dinner with some other families and a mom asked if I could move because I was sitting where her daughter wanted to sit. Me, the adult, move because of the whim of a kid. I said “No, she’s just fine there.”
I know a mom who has guarded her grade school son from every possible form of failure, handicapping him with the incapability of handling it. Smothering our kids with gentleness, covering them with failure padding, and interfering with normal kid-like behavior are all scary remedies to parental/adult fears and weaknesses.
What is the end result of this kind of sheltering? To me, it seems the consequences of overprotecting our kids are going to be much worse than any scraped knee or hurt feeling.
The Orange County Register’s very own Sam Miller wrote an article called “Are we raising a ‘Nation of Wimps?’” that spotlights a book about this subject–”Nation of Wimps.” When I heard this recess story, I remembered Sam’s article and ordered the book. (The comments on this article are very good, as well.)
I am afraid of the wimps that we might be raising–you should be afraid of wimps, too. Not just physical wimpiness–character wimpiness, emotional wimpiness.
I don’t want this to be a complaining post about “kids these days” or “parents nowadays.” What I want to know is what can be done? What have you done?
If you want to read more on “Nation of Wimps” go to Crabmommy’s interview with the author.
Picture taken from the Etsy store of “Fine Art Images.”
Would you like to be featured here and on 
Is it “wimpiness” for a child to ask permission to sit in a seat that might be closer to friends?
Is it wrong to instill rules upon children for their safety and protection?
We spend nearly $30K a year to send our kids to school. The last thing I want to do is learn that safety rules are not important. During the after school pick up with the cars all parked the kids “walk” and are told not to run. I guess we should allow them the run between the cars (although perfectly safe as they are all stopped and engines are turned off).
It helps instill the larger picture that running in areas not suitable for that form of activity is unsafe. I see nothing wrong with such rules.
Now encourage a child to communicate and speak his or her needs is also very important. Your answer and your desire not to move based on “teaching” the child is very inappropriate and a reason other then this motivated desire should be the reason.
My kids order their own food, get ignored by adults when they communicate and they do not get their way all the time. It is a fact of life. However, when they are ignored that is where I do step in to educate the adults on the simple fact that these kids are people and need to be respect as such.
If we want our kids to be strong then we as adults must encourage that development though our ongoing self-awareness of our own actions.
Just my two cents.
Amen sistah.
I have totally lightened up. I realized I was making my kids PARANOID.
So I have to fight the urge to keep them under my wing at all times. Now I give them a little bit more freedom. Freedom to fall down, freedom to get hurt and you know what? FREEDOM to GROW UP.
How about speed walking? Is that allowed? How did any of us survive our school years without these types of safety measures in place.
I agree! When they put all that bouncy black foam under the playground equipment it took all the fun out of it…. Somehow swinging from the monkey bars using the crook of your knees doesn’t have the same thrill. Rememer in 5th grade when the measure of coolness was how thick the blisters were on your hands? I suppose 5th graders are too cool to even play on the monkey bars anymore. Are there still monkey bars?
Well, this is all so personal for me being married to an attorney I get all the inside poop on all these totally unwarranted lawsuits. America is looking for “someone to blame” and no one wants to be held responsible. Don’t get me wrong if someone provides an unsafe environment wherein someone gets hurt I believe they should own it, but not allowing children to run around at school is totally unbelievable. This is a result of the school not wanting to get sued unnecessarily. Let’s just admit it we learn from our mistakes right? You fall you brush yourself off and you hopefully are more careful. I agree things are weird, parents are strange creating strange children and we wonder what is going on with the world today? We need to be accountable and teach our children by example not by creating this bubble which is only prohibiting them to learn and grow.
I was raised in the Jurassic Era, when my brother and I were allowed to roam the back seat of my dad’s Buick like feral cats. We played on monkey bars on the concrete, and I was once knocked out by a teeter totter. Do I want to return to those days? No. But kids need to move, to blow off energy, even if it’s running on concrete. They also need to respect adults.
Excellent insight Suz.
What we do is let the kids be kids, it was hard for me to agree to riding bikes in the hood without me, but the kids love the independance it provides them. This one simple thing has taught my kids about trust and responsibility. Get the kids outside so they can explore and be creative. I have had spaceships, tunnels to Dairy Queen, lobster traps, and pizza restaurants all in my yard. Free and full of positive memories.
For me, the key is not over-praising or over-protecting them to the point that they don’t know what “failure” is. I want my kids to make mistakes, to be okay with them, and to figure out how to move on from them. It is my hope that I am raising children who are not afraid to take risks because they are learning that the rewards for doing so can be so great. (As an aside: I personally hope that my kids will run on the playground when they get to school age — but the playgrounds near us are not paved, either.)
Such a sad state we are in when are kids can’t even run on the pavement at recess. I think Carrie hit the nail on the head when she talked about the whole liability issue. Suz - you’ve brought up some very good points and I do find myself being a bit over proctective as well. You’re right things are getting weird out there.
Great article! I have three boys with me in home school and I worry I don’t challenge them enough.
Might want to get the Prozac ready for Alan’s kids…
This is particularly sad to me when on a windy day, such as today, I can vividly remember as a kid holding my coat in such a way to catch the wind in my sails and not just running, but soaring across the blacktop with such a rush of freedom and joy only a kid can experience. When we protect our kids from experiences like that we rob them of the simple joy that comes from exploring the world with reckless abandon. I get rules that guard from possible fatal consequences, but seriously do you know of a single person that died while running on blacktop?
Back in the stone age when we were in school, a boy intentionally dropped a baseball bat on my sister’s hand and broke one of her fingers in three places. This was during school hours and when my parents approached the school district about paying for her medical bills, they were told that we were not permitted to sue the school. What the heck? As it turns out, back in the day, the school district would review the various claims against them and then decide which ones were permitted to proceed. i don’t know if this is still the case.
If there is such liability of children falling on the playground during school hours that running is not allowed, what do schools do when school is out? Children are allowed to play on the equipment, run to their heart’s content on the playground, sports leagues use the fields, etc. What happens when one of those people falls and hurts themselves? Do they sue the school? I don’t think so.
I don’t think anyone died by running on blacktop but I’m sure they screwed up their mug.
It’s not 1955 anymore, kids can’t go wherever they want, whenever they want. It’s just not safe the way it was back in the day, and that is the world we live in.
Kids can’t run on the blacktop because..like it was said in an earlier post…of all the legalities. Because you know what happened?…A parent sued the school for a little extra dough. And now the school HAS to implement all these new ridiculous rules because they have no choice. So i agree completely - it is the paranoid parents.
Whatever happened to - you fell down and hurt yourself…shake it off. Now it’s you hurt yourself - Oh No!! Emergency room!
And the hypocondria sets in for life. Not good, parents. Not good.
We are pushing our kids to look, act, and succeed like adults before they can even tie their own shoes. Today’s kids are so scheduled and regulated that they don’t have time for trial and error (emphasis on the error) that it takes to really learn to negotiate the world on their own.
Parents are paying $100 an hour for the tutor or the baseball lesson, so their kids have to show effort or all that money has been wasted. And you have to have private coaching and play on a travel team by the time you are 10 or you’ll never play high school or college ball, right?
Relax people. Let your kid play tag in the street with the neighborhood kids. Take the pressure off. Read a book, even when it isn’t assigned for a school project. Roast a marshmallow and eat it!
I used to estimate the amount of fun my preschooler had on any particular day by the amount of dirt he accumulated on his body.
My nephew, on the other hand, got hit on the shoulder by a (not very fast) pitch at a 9-year-old baseball game and then pulled himself out of the game to ask his mom to make an appointment with the chiropractor so he could get an “alignment.” And then his mom made the appointment!!!
One girl in our neighborhood refuses to play tag because a third grader once touched her behind when trying to tag her. I saw it happen and I still can’t believe it. If it happened at school they would probably send the other kid home for “unwelcome touching” or something else lawsuit worthy.
Well, say goodbye to flag football. I saw on the news this morning that a 5th grader playing flag football during recess was hit by the ball in his neck. It shattered his airway and he sadly passed away. It’s a terrible accident, and I feel terrible for his family, school mates and friends. But, it was an accident all the same.
Martha, that is so sad. I hope it doesn’t come to flag football being eliminated. I can’t wait for my son to play.
Alan,
Thanks for the comment, but please let me clarify there is an enormous difference between running on the playground at recess and running on a playground that is a parking lot during pickup. I think it was clear I was talking about recess running.
I have no problem with “safety rules,” I just don’t believe banning running on a playground during recess should be a safety rule. I also don’t think it is an “unsuitable surface”–it’s a PLAYground.
Regarding being asked to move, the child didn’t “ask my permission” to sit next to a friend, the mom asked if I would move because the seven-year-old wanted to sit in my seat. I think it is completely appropriate for me to say “no” to her. It doesn’t have anything to do with a child learning how to communicate with adults or me ignoring a child. I don’t think that was even implied.
Bottom line: The mom didn’t want to say “no” to her kid and wanted me to capitulate to avoid a tantrum. Sadly, this is a common practice for some parents.
Though I wasn’t talking to the child, I would have said the same thing to her if she would have asked me. In my opinion, it is acceptable for a adult to say something to “teach” a child who isn’t their own a lesson. I wish more parents would do it. It sounds like you think this concept is inappropriate.
You and I agree, raising kids to be independent, well-balanced, emotionally stable adults is the goal, but it’s clear we are going about it in different ways.
It is completely appropriate for our kids to learn to be accountable and respectful to others.
First, If my children asked me to ask someone else a question, I have and continue to say, “you need to ask - it is your request”. They have been told this from the moment they began communicating.
It is not my role as a parent to make their life any easier and it is my role to be there for protection and stability.
If my daughter (I am not picking on her in any way) wanted to sit in a seat someone else was in she would not ask me and go directly to that person. She has done this before and it is such a wonderful experience to watch as she is told no at times and yes at times. I love the no opportunities as it instills the concept that we all have wants and that is exactly what they are and nothing more.
It is totally up to that individual; however, I have never heard a “no” in a manner that was meant to “teach” her a lesson - maybe I am lucky so far.
I have been asked certain questions and requests by parents for things that will benefit their child and I tell them to have the child ask me and I take those moments to inquire and it is generally 50/50 that I will help or perform the request but in every case it is a communication opportunity that I love. If the child has a good reason and I do not have a good argument to counter I have no problem.
Generally it is a time argument and I just explain that I can help in a few minutes and then follow through. If they say, “I don’t know” then my answer is “Think of the reason and let me know and we can talk about it.”
I agree that parents communicate too much on behalf of their children. However, I think we are both referencing the same point expect I want it to be a time for enrichment when kids want something and I hold back on the “no” statements unless it makes sense.
This comes to rules that are established for the safety and protection of our society. We can be told a million times that speeding is dangerous and people die. Do we change the rule that speeding is ok ?
Running on the blacktop can be dangerous as the development of a their coordination is still young. I was at school today and my son was running on the blacktop with other kids and this post came to mind. The rule is that students can run on the cement area as it is more level. The asphalt is no level and this is dangerous for them to run on it as it changes contour and surface at various areas.
I held my mouth shut and so did the person I was talking with as we both knew the rule. If he falls he will learn why that rule is there and his pride might be a little hurt.
Do people still speed even after getting a ticket or being told it is dangerous?
Maybe I am a little under protective as a Dad and watch from a distance and come in when it is needed. A broken leg from falling on the ground is one of these moments that I would say, “Did we learn anything?” Yea, it is not safe to run on the asphalt. Is that the reason the school has that rule, maybe? Yea. Tough Love!
We all knew the rule was that both hands had to be on the monkey bars and hanging from one arm was against the rule. And by the way, I had the biggest blusters :). However, I also had a broken arm as a result of not obeying the two hand rule and hanging from only one and falling. Who could I blame? Me for not obeying a very simple rule and thinking I could out smart the system. I lost.
Rules do not create wimps they create the foundation of safety. Yes those rules will be broken and (kind of should be at a young age) give parents a great opportunity to educate their children not sue the school because the rules were not posted every 15 feet and not printed in size 36 font.
Thank you for the article and hopefully it does awake parents to make their children more independent and allow them to fail at a young age. Teach them to communicate and do not speak on their behalf even when they are 3. And to those people behind us in line - you will just have to learn patience as our kids order for themselves and take a couple extra minutes to decide.
Wow, I guess according to parenting “experts” I should be dead or suicidal by now. I rode a bike with no helmet, played crack the whip, climbed trees with my sister, etc. Our dad told us life wasn’t fair so suck it up, if we wanted better we had to work harder. My parents always took the side of our teachers and didn’t make excuses for any of missed homework or bad grades. I don’t remember one kid in my class being ADD or ADHD, as bad behavior was called by its proper name, Bad Behavior! Sheesh, you would think I’m old, but no, I’m only 34. I fear for the world we’re leaving our kids.
How did we all manage to get thru school without someone following us around every minute of every day to make sure that we didnt fall on concrete, or get hit in the head with a ball, or trip over dirt, or eat a bug, or crash into a pole on our bikes, or, or, or, or……
Yes. You are raising a generation of wimps. And its all because nobody wants to get sued.
I agree with Alan on many points. Although, I have no children (yet) I have quite a lot to say about parents and children these days.
I work at a pizza place that caters lunch to the elementary schools in the area. Today was the first day we started these accounts. I pull up to the school and start to walk with the pizza over to their cafeteria. I had kids grabbing my bags trying to take out the pizza! They’re kids, they like pizza, but what shocked me was the playground supervisors were saying how cute it was. One even said “Oh, they must really like that pizza!” If I were to do this as a child, #1 the school would have firmly told me to stop, #2 When I was little, I KNEW this behavior was unacceptable because my parents taught me respect.
Then the kids at the supermarket. Oh, man.
“Mommy, I want this.”
“Not today, honey.”
“BUT I WANT IT! I WANT IT! AHH!! AHH!!!!!!”
“okay, okay honey, you may have it.”
What the heck?! Parents don’t want their kids yelling, so they give in. SET RULES. SET CONSEQUENCES. FOLLOW THROUGH.
FOLLOW THROUGH.
Kay, my rant is done.
And don’t forget…NO SWINGS on most school playgrounds…at least in the Capo district…wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt while waiting their turn.
Well we can thank the parents and the lawyers who sue that kids don’t have swings and merry-go-rounds and can’t even run on the playgrounds anymore. A kid broke his arm at our school recently, and I’m sure the parents just ran to the lawyer’s office to file a claim. The schools can’t take the liability.
It does stagger me how people will cater to their kids and treat them as if they were adults. I’m not one of those “children should be seen and not heard” people, but please. They are children. They owe deference to adults. A friend of mine recently said that he was trying to convince his nine year old to go to religious school. I didn’t say anything out of politeness, but I thought, “You’re trying to convince him? How about INFORMING him that he will be going? That’s what I would do.
It’s amazing how everyone here is a perfect parent. I am sure everyone here is guilty of something in this article.
I take a tough-love stance. That’s how I was taught. Does it make me a little cold? Yes.
Tough love stance. Try it. Tell a kid who stubs their toe to walk it off. Tell a scraped-shin crybaby to rub some dirt on it. Kids are remarkable in their thinking, and sometimes they have to learn the hard way.
Much like the political debates we are all witnessing, the debate over HOW to raise a child will most certainly be one that we will never find both sides of the parenting fence agreeing upon.
At the end of the day REGARDLESS of whether your parenting style is structured via tough love, assertive or passive discipline, what matters most is that your parenting style is solidly based in LOVE, COMMUNICATION & RESPECT.
As far as the schools and the playground rules go, my kids actually attend an inner city charter school that has very limited playground space where there is no grass, only black top.
At first I cringed at this sight, but the actual school itself was so amazing that I was willing to make that sacrifice. Yes, the school does have a TON of playground rules, but it seems that this doesn’t stop the hyper kids from getting too rowdy and getting injured. In fact, it seems to happen all the time.
Our solution to the inner city playground restrictions was to purchase a season pass with OC Parks & Rec so that the kids weekends are always full of grass, running, jumping and climbing.
I totally agree. I have a 6 year old in first grade. My husband takes her to school in the mornings and he told me that even before the school bell rings, she needs to be in her class room line, a straight line I may add, and if the line is not straight or orderly, the morning supervisors will dock the class points and they will not be able to participate in an end of the year activity. I remember when i was in elementary school, I would get dropped off about 15 minutes early, play on the swings and slide, and run to the line once the bell rang. My daughter was reprimanded because she was hugging another girl in her class, this occurring before school and while my husband and the other girls dad were there. What is wrong with hugging? The other girl was not complaining, neither were her dad or my husband. I understand that there are rules, but come on, this is ridiculous. They are so strict with the children, but then I go and pick my daughter up early from school to take her to the doctor, and the office staff don’t even ask my name or for an ID and just release my daughter to me with no hesitation. What if there is a restraining order against me or I am not the mom? I think that kids need to be kids, get hurt and move on
HOW TRUE!
My 11 year old has been in private school for the past six years. For sixth grade, my wife and I decided (with input from him) that it was time to move into the Public School System ( In RSM).
One of the first things he said to us upon returning home the first day was; DAD, You’re not going to believe this, I’m not allowed to run on the PLAYGROUND! To him, that was like a death sentence. What happened to the good old days!!!
I just want to respond to KT about parents not wanting their kids to be yelling and screaming in a store…who DOES want that? Sometimes we choose our battles and the dirty looks from other shoppers are very unpleasant. Kids will scream and yell. It doesn’t matter how good the parent is. They learn these behaviors from their friends, TV, video games, the internet, etc. and they try them out on Mom & Dad to see what response they will get. I have had friends be approached in the grocery store by complete strangers reprimanding them for their child’s noise. One woman even said something like “you need to just tell that baby to shut up!” WTH? I know you said you don’t have kids right now. Let me tell you, what you *think* will be your parenting style before kids is often vastly different after those kids arrive.
Suzanne:
Your article strikes several cords. Having had kids (boys and girls) in both public school and private (as well as home school) most kids will ulitimately seek to find where the edge is. You are right that kids should still respect adults, parents should supportively encourage a bit of risk taking with their kids and teach them right and wrong. Children need to have boundries, but most will still test them.
On the legal note, unfortunately many public schools have been sued into submission inside and outside of the class room and therefore much of what might have been ruled by common sense at one time has gone the way of the jungle gym.
Keep those thought provoking blogs coming.