My husband Larry and I go to a lot of parties–fundraisers, birthday parties, business functions. Normally, under humane conditions, I have a good time.

I’m one of those rare, slightly demented, people who loves people. Sit me next to just about anyone and I’m happy, just give me a glass of wine, a warm sweater and I’m set for the night.

But every once in a while the party tide washes up a table filled with people I’d rather not spend the evening. Larry and I recently attended a party just like this. I couldn’t get a decent conversation going with anyone.

I trudged along in party conversation mode with the man across the table. “How do you know Ted?” I dutifully asked. (Name changed to protect the good-willed host.)

“We belong to the same country club,” he sipped and said through his Merlot. Egads! What an insurmountably pretentious answer! Even if you haven’t ever laid your eyes on Ted anywhere but “the country club” for heaven’s sake shrug your shoulders and say, “from around…just around.”

Next?

With the holiday season approaching I thought I would give you some tips on how to spot these four deadly party-goer personality types and then suggest some ways of handling them. These are all proven methods of surviving.  Of course, there are more than four dreadful party-goer personalities, but these are the main perpetrators:

The Crashing Bore

Favorite topics of conversation: Possible deadly reaction of buffet food to their medication. The “freaky” dream they had last night. How cool they were in high school.

How to handle: Play interested. To everything, shake your head and say, “That’s interesting.” (Note: This only works if your spouse knows that when you say something is interesting, it means you think it’s not interesting.)

The Arrogant Real-Estate-Related Professional

Favorite topics of conversation: Their weekend/house/boat at “The River.” How much they bought their house for in 1998. Wine.

How to handle: Play dumb. Act as if you haven’t ever heard of anything they are talking about. Do you mean the Santa Ana River? Where is Villa Park? Wine, is that a type of alcoholic beverage?

The Salesman

Favorite topic of conversation: How much money you could be making selling (fill in blank here). How much money they made last year. How much money do you want to make?

How to handle: Say you and your spouse have more money than you could possible manage already. Say things like, “We are loaded” or “My husband makes so much money, I wouldn’t know what to do with any more.” Then blow your nose in a twenty dollar bill and throw it on the ground, just to drive the point home.

Minute-Detail Talker

Favorite topic of conversation: The difference between French goat cheese (or chèvre) and domestic sheep cheese. The thread count of the napkins and why I should care. How she wanted to bring her New Graphic Op Art Large Sabrina bag by Coach but was afraid the bold pattern would throw off her Dolce & Gabbana Satin Psychedelic Dress she got at….blah, blah, blah.

How to handle: Ask the waiter if they serve Mountain Dew, when they don’t (which they won’t in California) storm off in disgust and go sit at another table.

I hope this lesson will help you next time you are faced with one of the four deadly party-goer personalities. Remember, it’s your party, too.

Other things I’ve written that don’t have the slightest thing to do with being a mom:

• The lessons of The Earthquake Cake.
• The Olympics of the immeasurably average.
• Social etiquette 101.

Posted in: Mommy's Mind is Not a Toy - Suzanne Broughton • holiday parties |

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